My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
