i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
