guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
nutella sex= disaster
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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