so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
