how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i think i just lost a toe
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
