taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
