My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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