How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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