Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
