Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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