She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
