my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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