She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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