Cold hands, warm shart.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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