I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
