Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He passed out mid-signature
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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