Sponge bath it is.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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