Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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