I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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