Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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