Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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