Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
