when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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