The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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