Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
