I feel like I'm in dance class right now
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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