I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
