I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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