Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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