we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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