after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
