I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
i out mim tonsoeep
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