Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Randomize
