We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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