NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
zippers are such a cool invention
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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