You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
