mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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