i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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