so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Your penis caused this!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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