the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
