I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
