wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
