Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I am one with the molecules
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
