1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
