She is in my trunk
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
