Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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