Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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