Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
