She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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