true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
